update

I rode 30 miles yesterday! I love my new bike. It's so fast, or maybe I'm fast due to my intense pedaling. haha... Either way, I am so excited! I have my first race on June 27-28, 175 miles. Then another one July 4th, and then I've got to find a couple more. My Duathlon is in September and I'm still planning on running the Provo Half.

I'm playing my first game of golf today with my Daddy and Joshua. We are gonna have a blast and a half. Gotta warm up first on the driving range. I don't really know how to play golf, I took lessons back in 1991 or '92. I can't remember. I don't care though. I have a set of clubs and I'm going. If nothing else I'll enjoy the sun on my face, the beer and the most of all the company of fabulous men that I love.

open doors

I applied for an amazing position at my work and GOT IT! What does this mean? I will be moving in the next 8-12 months. I'm not sure as of where yet, but most likely somewhere on the East coast, preferably FL.
I am going to have my very own store, my very own Buckle. The only 2 companies in all of the U.S. that stock is rising/in the positive are the Buckle and Walmart... So I guess you could say, I'm pretty damn lucky!
My training officially starts April 1 and I must be around for all the seasons. Spring, Back to School, Holiday and Inventory. I am SO excited.
I figure why not? I'm 29 years old. Never lived anywhere but SL,UT. I'm still single and have no potentials here to stay for. Can finish school anywhere in the U.S. and if all else fails (and it won't) I can always move back here if it doesn't work out... (But It Will)

I have my first race April 18, second race in May, my first REAL race, the Ragnar on June 19-20, the Provo Half in Aug and last, but not least, the XTreme Duathlon on September 25!!
I am SO excited!!

So, no... I may not have EVERYTHING I want at this point, but ya know what?!?!? I've got a lot of other fantastic things going for me. And I like to focus on that:)

I got it!!

I got the position at my work!! What does this mean?.... Well pretty much it means AWESOMENESS!!
I will be making a grip-load of $$$, and best of all be moving out of state within the year, basically right after inventory of next year, so like February. I've never done anything SO daring before in my life. It feels so amazing. I am so nervous and excited....
I just figure why not? It's not like I'm really tied down to anything here right now.
I'm not married.
I can take classes from any community college in any state I want at any time.
I don't have any kids.
I have nothing holding me back...
Sure I'll miss my Mom a SHIT TON, but she can come visit me and vice vs. So I'm not THAT worried about it. More than anything I think it'll do me a world of good.
I'm going to be 30 next year. It's time to get with the program. I'm sick of working dead-end jobs, that I hate. I know that one day I'll own my own boutique, just not now. And yes, I will finish my bachelors degree, but it's gonna have be put on hold for a blink.
This is a GOOD move for my future. It's stable, smart and in my best interest to take.

I know I'm doing the right thing:)

As far as other things in my life are concerned, I'm just straight up confused.
A little sad, another one is gonna be biting the dust. Geesh....
Oh well, what can I do? I just have bad taste in men I suppose. But on a side note, at least I have fun while the fun is there to be had:)

epiphany

I consider myself I fairly logical person. True I am often initially driven by my emotions, but when given a chance to breath and think, I can typically turn off the emotions and move forward, make the correct decision and not second guess myself.
This is all true except when alcohol is involved.
I didn't drink for a month and a half. Not one drop. NOTHING, NADA! and I NEVER felt better. I lost a shit ton of weight, got back to the gym 5 days a week and reconnected with TRUE relationships that have meaning and substance.
Well, I fell off that wagon a bit. I started drinking once a week. I instantly felt and saw the results of this awful decision.
I was no longer as impeccable to my word. I started letting myself down and made poor decisions. My soul was YELLING at me, but I wouldn't listen. That was until this week.
I had the MOST amazing birthday a girl could ask for.
I got a B+ on my mid-term, hit the gym with my best friend Stacey (90 min fat burn, abs and core) went and got my brows and box waxed, had a 2 hr massage and then met my closest friends for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, Mazza.
Then I met up with Ardy at my house and all my BEST friends and I went to Park City. Doesn't get any better than this, right? But then the booze ensued and you can only imagine what may have happened after that.
NO one had their feelings hurt, thank god, but things were said that shouldn't have been. Actions were made that probably shouldn't have been, and as a result I felt SICK inside all the next day.
My soul was YELLING at me again. And I had a break down.
I went to my Mom's to spend time with her and it was a mess. So many interruptions, and that resulted in me losing my shit.
I couldn't stop crying. I was sick. Sick inside and out and I couldn't calm down. I haven't felt that out of control in months, maybe even a year. I was NOT myself.

I made a pact right then and there. NO more of this shit. NO more.
It's one thing to have a glass of wine with dinner, it's another to have a bottle (to yourself). And the result it terrible. It's not worth it.
I forgive myself for what happened. What was said. I have to, there's no turning back. No 'do-overs'.

so moving forward, I have a few promises I've made to myself that I will NOT break.
1. Be impeccable to my word.
2. Buying my bike next week, even if it means getting a loan from the bank.
3. Registering for all 3 races with my next paycheck.
4. No more booze.
5. continuation with my health. 5 days/week at gym.
6. Thinking positive thoughts. loving myself more. appreciating the little things more.
7. taking at least 2 vacations this year. One to Boston with my family, the other somewhere warm with Amie.
8. MT program at work, moving out of state in 14 months.
9. finish my degree in both marketing and fashion.
10. Stay true to myself, listen to my soul before it starts YELLING again, and be respectful to myself, my mind, body and soul at all times.

I know the heart of life is good. I know its good.

its my day

I am SO excited for today. This is the first day of the last year I get to say 'twenty-something-. I have my entire day planned out and can't wait.
School at 9. It's my mid-term test today and I feel pretty damn good about it.
Gym @ 11 with Stace. Gonna run 2.5-3 miles today and do some other cardio, core and abs.
1:15 wax. 2:30 Breath Day Spa appt that includes an hour Swedish massage and a Desert Heat Wrap. (my favs)
Dinner with my closest friends at one my favorite restaurants in all of SLC.
Bacchus with my man friend and my 2 bestest friends in the whole wide world after that:)

And tomorrow:
Man friend and I will be going to art exhibits, shopping, foodies, movies and the fabric store.
I pretty much have the BEST life EVER right now.

Ahhh. Serenity. Peace and Clarity. Feels just about right.

too full

I woke up this a.m. to find I gained 2 lbs over night. UG. I hate that. I knew it was going to happen when I put that icecream in my face followed by extra chocolate. NO MORE!!
I didn't go through hell and re-vamp my body to just turn around and get fat again. To hell with that.
*be impeccable to your word. Don't make promises you can't keep, not even to yourself. Well, here's a promise I will NEVER break! I will NEVER get fat again. I will NOT allow myself to weigh more than 127. Never again in my life!!
---- solution: Last consumption must be 4 hrs or more before bed. NO EXCEPTION.
One treat a day maximum. That is IT! NO more. And more than anything, NO MORE ICE CREAM. that shit is deadly.
Continue working out a minimum of 5 days a week.
More water, more tea.

In other news, I have to stay strong and do what I was doing. There for a second I felt like I was playing my cards wrong, but as I've thought more about it, I think I was doing it just right. We all want what we can't have, and well, I want to be chased. So, I will be!

I have decided to apply for the MT program at my work. I want to move out of state in the next year and I want to have my own store, this is the best opportunity I have to accomplish both. Then I can open my own boutique when I'm 35, when I'm older and have more true on-hands experience. And in the mean time, I can and will focus more on my label and my own designs.
SO exciting. I really am blessed. I love my life.
I am focused. passionate. driven. I am successful and will continue to succeed.

it's true

for a second there I thought he had made a break through, but as it appears, it was short winded. I don't even feel badly for him this time. It's bullshit. The drinking is out of control and totally unnecessary. He does it to himself, misery... ug. I'm just grateful I don't have to deal with him or that demon on a daily basis. (totally unfair to her though) and I wonder why I'm so afraid of commitment. haha.
Fact is this, the Four Agreements make sense to me and the more I listen to them the more I practice them and the better I feel. Inside. my Soul.
Empowering women isn't half bad either.
At the end of the day, the only one who truly matters is yourself. What you think and feel and believe about yourself is the MOST important reality. You choose your life and everything in it. The people you spend your time with, the goals you achieve, the choice to walk away, to go somewhere to do ANYTHING.
I choose to do what makes me happy. I choose to do things that help me to love myself more. I am impeccable to my word.
With or without his support, doesn't really matter. I could wallow in self-pity and do what my brother does, but I refuse. I am not even use that negative energy to spite him and prove him wrong. Instead I'm going to just LET it ALL go. NOT take it PERSONALLY. and MOVE ON.
Sorry Ray, shame on you the first time, shame on me the second, and well.... 100 times later, no more shame.

Races:)

I am SO excited!! I am going to compete in my very first Triathlon ever. It's April 25 in Kearns. Only a 400 meter swim, 3.1 run and 12 mile bike. So nothing!! I can totally do that. (guess this means I'll be swimming again, ug!)

And I am registering for my first Duathlon next week, it's in September, but I am SO excited!!!

I have healthy thoughts and a healthy body.
I don't take things personally.
I don't assume.
I am happy!!

learning curve

I'm getting better at all this non-sense.
4 yrs, 1 yr, 6 months, 1 1/2 months.
The red flags get brighter each time. Denial has less control and my fantasies created don't last as long.
I don't live in the fantasy lands I create for as long as I used to. I admit to myself earlier on that it's a path of destructive behavior that I don't have to deal with. I choose my destiny and I have the RIGHT to leave when it's time to go.
I did it. It was hard, I even needed one last lashing just to be sure I was right.
I was. I am.
I am free.

my race

I am SO excited. I finally figured out what race I am going to do:) It's going to be this Sept in PC. 26 mile bike, 6.3 mile run!! So excited!!

easier said than done

It's so hard!! I wanted nothing more than to contact him today and say, Hi, what are you up to? but It didn't. And he didn't. And isn't that the point of all this bullshit? I hate it, but I have to stay strong and do it.
Nothing but some lame ass comment on my facebook since Sat night. I'm gonna have to go ahead and say... DUMB.

I'm glad I went on a date Sunday night. And I'm glad I went and chilled with Ardi tonight. Just reminds me that even if he doens't think I'm worth it others do... so fuck him.

....

Life can't be perfect. I realize that and it's fine (I guess), but why is it that when all aspects of life seem to be coming together perfectly, all of a sudden something has to 'shit out'?
It's like all of these false actions have been taken for nothing. Words mean nothing. All of it for nothing? and why? what action took place for this sudden change of events, emotions and continued actions??

At least I'm running a solid pace of 6 mph and I run at least 2.5 miles 4 days a week and spin the other day, so 5 days a week I'm faithfully at the gym training. I LOVE it. That and school are the two things in my life right now that I have control over, that I love, that love me back 100%. I don't take it for granted, that's for sure. NEVER will I let my health slip again.
Managed to lose a total of 20 lbs so far. I'd like to say I'm done, but I know myself. I won't be completely satisfied until I lose another 5, but that's the girl in me talking. Silly girl.

Work is confusing. I feel like Monday a.m. are some kind of intimidation tool so you feel like you're disposable and replaceable at any moment and you're hanging on by a fine line. AHHH!!! I know I do well at my job, my #s show it, and the fact I keep getting promotions, but nonetheless, there is no real sense of security.
And there's the phrase that just hits the nail on the head.
'no real security'.

Grateful for:
1) officially designing my first real outfit. It's intimidating, challenging and excited.
2) my Mom for being my best friend and keeping life's most important things in check for me.
3) sleeping pills for allowing me to sleep longer than 4 or 5 hours so I can make it through another day.
4) my body. It's a powerful machine. It can endure SO much more than I've ever realized before. It's amazing!!! (and I'm starting to get a lil 2-4 pack, hehe).
5) my friends for being so wonderful. Shawn, I love you. You're such an amazing person. We laugh more than anyone else I know. Randi for being so sweet, real and supportive. Katie for being there since 2001, by far my longest friendship EVER. My sister for never forgetting about me, even when I've disappeared off the face of the earth. Sterling for visiting me at work and reminding me that I'm loved, even from far away. And, everyone else for what you do.
6) (should have been mentioned earlier in list) my Daddy. We are so much closer than we've been in years. I've always known he is the one man I can always count on in life, but lately I feel like my real Daddy is back and that means the world to me. I missed him dearly.
7) just being me. knowing who I am. what I stand for. What I will not put up. And what I will achieve.

like a rock

It's not all that easy for me to be 'strong' when it comes to 'falling in love'. I seem to always fall for the wrong guy and the ones that most would want to fall for I don't. Guess the saying we want what we can't have has some truth to it. ug.
I just don't understand what happened. What turn of events took place to go from where we were to where we are and how I'm feeling.
I don't understand how you can be missed, but not missed enough to mean something... anything. Grasping for straws here. But I won't give in like I always do. I'm not calling this time. I'm not making the move. I'm not going out on a limb.
I want to see how much, if at all, you care. I have a feeling I'm going to be disappointed, but not surprised. I hate the fact that I'm so pessimistic. What happened to me that I am so mistrusting?
My Mom is right.

a good quote

Dont worry about people in the past... There is a reason they didn't make it to your future.

no foresight

Last night was supposed to be a fun-filled and slightly romantic evening. I'd had it all planned out in my head for days. We would start the night with a delicious bottle of wine, go to the Death by Chocolate party and then go have sushi, go home and enjoy each others company.
Well, it started out pretty well. I went over there at 6 as planned and we did enjoy a bottle of wine. Then we went to the Death by Chocolate party and that's where it all went south.
My cousin hosted the party, so of course she was there and since there was pretty much an open wine bar, she was pretty well buzzed. But this is NO excuse to do what she did. Hitting on Corey to the point that he came and got me is ridiculous.

Corey- 'She rubbing her fake tits against my chest telling me that her kids friends think she's hot. It's disgusting and she's kind of freakin' me out. Let's go! Let's go to dinner!'
Me- 'Ug. Are you serious? ok. Let's go'.

She joins us for dinner and this is where it all came apart. As others joined us I somehow ended up by Louis and he ended up by her. She was sitting there rubbing his leg under the table. As I watched in horror I grew mad with jealousy and hurt. Why was he just sitting there? and WTF was she doing!?! Not only is she married, but HELLO bitch, that's kind of my boyfriend you're trying to fuck at the dinner table. And I'm sitting RIGHT HERE!! AHHH!!
So needless to say, I went to the bathroom to try and get a grip but instead lost my shit completely. The wine and several sake bombs didn't help matters at all....
I went back to the table, announced to everyone it was time to go and demanded Corey take me to my car so I could go home. I wasn't going to take that shit. Not from her, not from him, not from anyone. I deserve more than that.
Now yes, he did have me come over and sit on his lap. No he wasn't enjoying himself, and NO he wasn't impressed, but by then the damage had been done. I had fallen apart at the seams.
I proceeded to lose it on him in the car where I informed him I was not interested in dating a man who would behave like that. I didn't trust him and I wanted to go home. I was DONE.
(I'm sure I said more than that, I typically do when I've been drinking for over 3 hrs and have had nothing to little to eat all day and gone running for 3 miles)
anyways...
What comes next you ask?

Corey-'I love you Rachelle' In a loud, firm voice.
me- silence, shock, confusion....
me- 'Don't say that to me. You're not allowed to say that to me unless you mean it!!' (and I didn't say it back. how can I? I'm scared. My heart is at stake and that's not something I take lightly)

Last person I really let in, I mean really let in, almost destroyed me. I was depressed for what felt like an eternity. UG.

So yeah, that was my night. So much for my plan, ey?

At least after we got all the drama out of the way we did go home, together, had a good rest of our night, a good morning too and then parted ways.

I've never done well with mystery. I've never done well without knowing, really knowing, but here goes nothing. I'm going to leap.

I win!

It's amazing what a little communicating can accomplish. All I had to do was say something and it was that simple. The problem has been resolved. Done and done. Being a real adult has its advantages no doubt.

I've managed to lose approximately 18 lbs. I feel and look amazing. I eat right and go to the gym no less than 5 days a week. I drink once a week, if that, and DO NOT use ANY recreational drugs. Haven't touched a thing since New Years and NEVER will again. (got rid of the peeps that made that shit available. BNB)

I am going to compete in my first Triathlon with my friend Amie and I am super excited about it. We're also going to Mexico at the end of March or beginning of April, super excited!! And Corey mentioned taking me to Snowbird for my birthday for a day at the spa and hot tub:)

I have a VERY good feeling about this year. It's all a matter of attitude and energy and mine is nothing but positive and optimistic.

School is so much fun so far too. I love FASHION!! It's speaking to my soul in SO many ways.

Getting my business license this Weds too:) BelovedEwe.

confused

I really am, but what's new? I think I'm cool with something, but I'm not. Not one bit.

Moving on. I've decided to train for a triathlon with my friend Amie. I am really excited. I need to stay focused. Fuck him, fuck her and fuck all the rest of it.
School is important. My health is important, both physically and mentally...
Work is important and all the rest is pointless bullshit.

predictions and more

well just as Corey had predicted, she has no idea about us. I'm very surprised though, after all there are pics of us up on both our facebooks, but it just goes to show you how right he really is about her. She is incredibly SELF ABSORBED.
And also as he predicted, she talked non-stop about herself, never really asked me anything and then in the last 10 min, she repeated everything she'd rambled on about, but summed it up. Oh, and I loved the part where she tried telling me that he's still mad that she decided not to wait for him. So dumb. It took everything in power not to say to her, 'dude! He's SO over you and has been for MONTHS. Not only did he start dating Katie about a month after you stopped stalking him, but we've been seeing each other for almost the past month... so get over yourself. GOD!
Never once did she acknowledge the fact that I was even really there. She just wanted to talk about her, her work, her new guy, her past guy, Jacksonhole, skiing, blah blah blah. Oh and let's not forget how she bragged about how much whiskey she's been drinking, this hangover and that hangover and blah blah blah. So LAME!


I'll tell you what! I don't miss that shit at all.

The gym was good, short but good. Did 35 min of cardio followed by about 25 min of core and abs. I'm used to do a lot more than that, but it'll do for today.

Lunch with Amie was amazing. God I've missed her. We laughed so much!! Can't wait for Mexico in March. And I have something else to look forward to, a triathlon. woot, woot!!

people come, people go, but true friends, real friends are there for a lifetime no matter how much distance is between you or how much time you spend. I am just so grateful for my life:)

facing the facts

ok, so here it is. I've never claimed to be a perfect human being, but who is? I do my best though. I go to school, work, pay my bills, etc. But when it comes to matters of the heart I tend to...well, do what I want....
Basically, I started a man that used to date a friend. His version is very different than hers, and based on her side of things and past conversations, I do believe his. I remember telling her on numerous occasions, 'honey, it's time to let it go. He's no into you'. But she never listened and according to him, she pretty much stalked him for about 3-4 months after he told her it was over. Anyways, details are WAY too much to get into.
Moving forward... We ran into each other at a bar that we all love to go to. She was out of town or something, he was there alone. I saw him and we started talking up a storm. I'd just broke up with, yet another boyfriend. (yeah, I've dated a few guys since Jason and I broke up). And he went OFF about him and 'sukra' and how that all went down, blah blah blah.
Yeah... we left together. And Yes, we slept together. And Yes, I thought it was just going to be a one night stand (my first one!!!). Since we were kind of friends before that happened, we ended up chatting here and there and just stayed in touch, but nothing romantic at all. I had another new boyfriend and he was dating a girl quite seriously too. So it was completely harmless.
As fate would have it, after he came back from Boston we started going to the gym together almost everyday and one night we had drinks. I'm sure you can imagine what took place next. But here's the thing, it's more than that now. It's been going on now for about 3 weeks. We hit the gym all the time, which is totally cool!, and we hang out several times throughout the week. We've established that we are sleeping together monogamously, and that we really like each other.
So, with that said... it bring me to the 'truth'. It's time to tell her. Everyone else knows, meaning mutual friends. We haven't exactly tried to keep in on the DL for the past lil while and I'm sure she's seen my car parked in front of his house more than once in the last lil while. Not to mention the pics he posted of us on my facebook and his....
AHHH!! I am not a terrible person. It just happened. But what do I say? She thinks she was in love with him. And he HATES her!!! and I really like him and he really likes me!!!
SHIT!

so much writing

I've been writing more than usual again. I just find myself needing to work things out, rationally, and how else do I do that but writing? It's good to write, read and re-read events to make sure you're on the right track. It's so easy to get distracted especially when emotions get involved.

so, with that said...

I've been more of a hermit lately than normal. There was a point in my life, not too long ago, where I did was go out. I'd do drinking with my 'friends' til 2 a.m. and then go to work the next day. I seldom made it to the gym any longer and found myself gaining weight at a rapid pace.
I'd try to go running, but it's hard when you're not in shape, and besides 2 days a week hardly does anything, in fact, it just keeps you at your same status. (guess that's better than getting worse)

I started dating this kid and he NEVER had any money and this lead to me NOT going out anymore like I used to. Not to mention, he really didn't click with my 'friends'. He'd made a few comments about my weight and life any normal person, I took them quite personally. How could I not?

It wasn't at all acceptable, but I have to thank him. If it wasn't for him I'm not sure I would have been so gun-ho on getting back in shape so quickly. It was easy to do too cuz I'd pretty much stopped going out all together.

So I started an amazing diet, stopped going out 100% for 4 weeks solid, and hit the gym 4-5 days/week. So far I've lost 17 lbs. I look amazing, feel amazing and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I've got a hold on life. I'm not poisoned with drugs or alcohol. There's no veil over my head and I feel happy and whole again.

I started dating this amazing man who loves going to the gym with me. It's such a great thing being with someone who is just as aware of being healthy as I am. Not anorexic or competitive with me, just wants to live as long as possible and to the fullest. It's really been a breath of fresh air.

Like any normal person, I have my insecurities and that lil voice in my head sometimes can get away with me and I that's when this writing stuff comes in handy. It's a good way to remind myself what's important, what battles to pick and what to let go of.

So there it is. A very small version of what seems very big to me, after all, it's my life, my head, my thoughts....