too full

I woke up this a.m. to find I gained 2 lbs over night. UG. I hate that. I knew it was going to happen when I put that icecream in my face followed by extra chocolate. NO MORE!!
I didn't go through hell and re-vamp my body to just turn around and get fat again. To hell with that.
*be impeccable to your word. Don't make promises you can't keep, not even to yourself. Well, here's a promise I will NEVER break! I will NEVER get fat again. I will NOT allow myself to weigh more than 127. Never again in my life!!
---- solution: Last consumption must be 4 hrs or more before bed. NO EXCEPTION.
One treat a day maximum. That is IT! NO more. And more than anything, NO MORE ICE CREAM. that shit is deadly.
Continue working out a minimum of 5 days a week.
More water, more tea.

In other news, I have to stay strong and do what I was doing. There for a second I felt like I was playing my cards wrong, but as I've thought more about it, I think I was doing it just right. We all want what we can't have, and well, I want to be chased. So, I will be!

I have decided to apply for the MT program at my work. I want to move out of state in the next year and I want to have my own store, this is the best opportunity I have to accomplish both. Then I can open my own boutique when I'm 35, when I'm older and have more true on-hands experience. And in the mean time, I can and will focus more on my label and my own designs.
SO exciting. I really am blessed. I love my life.
I am focused. passionate. driven. I am successful and will continue to succeed.

it's true

for a second there I thought he had made a break through, but as it appears, it was short winded. I don't even feel badly for him this time. It's bullshit. The drinking is out of control and totally unnecessary. He does it to himself, misery... ug. I'm just grateful I don't have to deal with him or that demon on a daily basis. (totally unfair to her though) and I wonder why I'm so afraid of commitment. haha.
Fact is this, the Four Agreements make sense to me and the more I listen to them the more I practice them and the better I feel. Inside. my Soul.
Empowering women isn't half bad either.
At the end of the day, the only one who truly matters is yourself. What you think and feel and believe about yourself is the MOST important reality. You choose your life and everything in it. The people you spend your time with, the goals you achieve, the choice to walk away, to go somewhere to do ANYTHING.
I choose to do what makes me happy. I choose to do things that help me to love myself more. I am impeccable to my word.
With or without his support, doesn't really matter. I could wallow in self-pity and do what my brother does, but I refuse. I am not even use that negative energy to spite him and prove him wrong. Instead I'm going to just LET it ALL go. NOT take it PERSONALLY. and MOVE ON.
Sorry Ray, shame on you the first time, shame on me the second, and well.... 100 times later, no more shame.

Races:)

I am SO excited!! I am going to compete in my very first Triathlon ever. It's April 25 in Kearns. Only a 400 meter swim, 3.1 run and 12 mile bike. So nothing!! I can totally do that. (guess this means I'll be swimming again, ug!)

And I am registering for my first Duathlon next week, it's in September, but I am SO excited!!!

I have healthy thoughts and a healthy body.
I don't take things personally.
I don't assume.
I am happy!!

learning curve

I'm getting better at all this non-sense.
4 yrs, 1 yr, 6 months, 1 1/2 months.
The red flags get brighter each time. Denial has less control and my fantasies created don't last as long.
I don't live in the fantasy lands I create for as long as I used to. I admit to myself earlier on that it's a path of destructive behavior that I don't have to deal with. I choose my destiny and I have the RIGHT to leave when it's time to go.
I did it. It was hard, I even needed one last lashing just to be sure I was right.
I was. I am.
I am free.

my race

I am SO excited. I finally figured out what race I am going to do:) It's going to be this Sept in PC. 26 mile bike, 6.3 mile run!! So excited!!

easier said than done

It's so hard!! I wanted nothing more than to contact him today and say, Hi, what are you up to? but It didn't. And he didn't. And isn't that the point of all this bullshit? I hate it, but I have to stay strong and do it.
Nothing but some lame ass comment on my facebook since Sat night. I'm gonna have to go ahead and say... DUMB.

I'm glad I went on a date Sunday night. And I'm glad I went and chilled with Ardi tonight. Just reminds me that even if he doens't think I'm worth it others do... so fuck him.

....

Life can't be perfect. I realize that and it's fine (I guess), but why is it that when all aspects of life seem to be coming together perfectly, all of a sudden something has to 'shit out'?
It's like all of these false actions have been taken for nothing. Words mean nothing. All of it for nothing? and why? what action took place for this sudden change of events, emotions and continued actions??

At least I'm running a solid pace of 6 mph and I run at least 2.5 miles 4 days a week and spin the other day, so 5 days a week I'm faithfully at the gym training. I LOVE it. That and school are the two things in my life right now that I have control over, that I love, that love me back 100%. I don't take it for granted, that's for sure. NEVER will I let my health slip again.
Managed to lose a total of 20 lbs so far. I'd like to say I'm done, but I know myself. I won't be completely satisfied until I lose another 5, but that's the girl in me talking. Silly girl.

Work is confusing. I feel like Monday a.m. are some kind of intimidation tool so you feel like you're disposable and replaceable at any moment and you're hanging on by a fine line. AHHH!!! I know I do well at my job, my #s show it, and the fact I keep getting promotions, but nonetheless, there is no real sense of security.
And there's the phrase that just hits the nail on the head.
'no real security'.

Grateful for:
1) officially designing my first real outfit. It's intimidating, challenging and excited.
2) my Mom for being my best friend and keeping life's most important things in check for me.
3) sleeping pills for allowing me to sleep longer than 4 or 5 hours so I can make it through another day.
4) my body. It's a powerful machine. It can endure SO much more than I've ever realized before. It's amazing!!! (and I'm starting to get a lil 2-4 pack, hehe).
5) my friends for being so wonderful. Shawn, I love you. You're such an amazing person. We laugh more than anyone else I know. Randi for being so sweet, real and supportive. Katie for being there since 2001, by far my longest friendship EVER. My sister for never forgetting about me, even when I've disappeared off the face of the earth. Sterling for visiting me at work and reminding me that I'm loved, even from far away. And, everyone else for what you do.
6) (should have been mentioned earlier in list) my Daddy. We are so much closer than we've been in years. I've always known he is the one man I can always count on in life, but lately I feel like my real Daddy is back and that means the world to me. I missed him dearly.
7) just being me. knowing who I am. what I stand for. What I will not put up. And what I will achieve.

like a rock

It's not all that easy for me to be 'strong' when it comes to 'falling in love'. I seem to always fall for the wrong guy and the ones that most would want to fall for I don't. Guess the saying we want what we can't have has some truth to it. ug.
I just don't understand what happened. What turn of events took place to go from where we were to where we are and how I'm feeling.
I don't understand how you can be missed, but not missed enough to mean something... anything. Grasping for straws here. But I won't give in like I always do. I'm not calling this time. I'm not making the move. I'm not going out on a limb.
I want to see how much, if at all, you care. I have a feeling I'm going to be disappointed, but not surprised. I hate the fact that I'm so pessimistic. What happened to me that I am so mistrusting?
My Mom is right.

a good quote

Dont worry about people in the past... There is a reason they didn't make it to your future.

no foresight

Last night was supposed to be a fun-filled and slightly romantic evening. I'd had it all planned out in my head for days. We would start the night with a delicious bottle of wine, go to the Death by Chocolate party and then go have sushi, go home and enjoy each others company.
Well, it started out pretty well. I went over there at 6 as planned and we did enjoy a bottle of wine. Then we went to the Death by Chocolate party and that's where it all went south.
My cousin hosted the party, so of course she was there and since there was pretty much an open wine bar, she was pretty well buzzed. But this is NO excuse to do what she did. Hitting on Corey to the point that he came and got me is ridiculous.

Corey- 'She rubbing her fake tits against my chest telling me that her kids friends think she's hot. It's disgusting and she's kind of freakin' me out. Let's go! Let's go to dinner!'
Me- 'Ug. Are you serious? ok. Let's go'.

She joins us for dinner and this is where it all came apart. As others joined us I somehow ended up by Louis and he ended up by her. She was sitting there rubbing his leg under the table. As I watched in horror I grew mad with jealousy and hurt. Why was he just sitting there? and WTF was she doing!?! Not only is she married, but HELLO bitch, that's kind of my boyfriend you're trying to fuck at the dinner table. And I'm sitting RIGHT HERE!! AHHH!!
So needless to say, I went to the bathroom to try and get a grip but instead lost my shit completely. The wine and several sake bombs didn't help matters at all....
I went back to the table, announced to everyone it was time to go and demanded Corey take me to my car so I could go home. I wasn't going to take that shit. Not from her, not from him, not from anyone. I deserve more than that.
Now yes, he did have me come over and sit on his lap. No he wasn't enjoying himself, and NO he wasn't impressed, but by then the damage had been done. I had fallen apart at the seams.
I proceeded to lose it on him in the car where I informed him I was not interested in dating a man who would behave like that. I didn't trust him and I wanted to go home. I was DONE.
(I'm sure I said more than that, I typically do when I've been drinking for over 3 hrs and have had nothing to little to eat all day and gone running for 3 miles)
anyways...
What comes next you ask?

Corey-'I love you Rachelle' In a loud, firm voice.
me- silence, shock, confusion....
me- 'Don't say that to me. You're not allowed to say that to me unless you mean it!!' (and I didn't say it back. how can I? I'm scared. My heart is at stake and that's not something I take lightly)

Last person I really let in, I mean really let in, almost destroyed me. I was depressed for what felt like an eternity. UG.

So yeah, that was my night. So much for my plan, ey?

At least after we got all the drama out of the way we did go home, together, had a good rest of our night, a good morning too and then parted ways.

I've never done well with mystery. I've never done well without knowing, really knowing, but here goes nothing. I'm going to leap.

I win!

It's amazing what a little communicating can accomplish. All I had to do was say something and it was that simple. The problem has been resolved. Done and done. Being a real adult has its advantages no doubt.

I've managed to lose approximately 18 lbs. I feel and look amazing. I eat right and go to the gym no less than 5 days a week. I drink once a week, if that, and DO NOT use ANY recreational drugs. Haven't touched a thing since New Years and NEVER will again. (got rid of the peeps that made that shit available. BNB)

I am going to compete in my first Triathlon with my friend Amie and I am super excited about it. We're also going to Mexico at the end of March or beginning of April, super excited!! And Corey mentioned taking me to Snowbird for my birthday for a day at the spa and hot tub:)

I have a VERY good feeling about this year. It's all a matter of attitude and energy and mine is nothing but positive and optimistic.

School is so much fun so far too. I love FASHION!! It's speaking to my soul in SO many ways.

Getting my business license this Weds too:) BelovedEwe.