update

I rode 30 miles yesterday! I love my new bike. It's so fast, or maybe I'm fast due to my intense pedaling. haha... Either way, I am so excited! I have my first race on June 27-28, 175 miles. Then another one July 4th, and then I've got to find a couple more. My Duathlon is in September and I'm still planning on running the Provo Half.

I'm playing my first game of golf today with my Daddy and Joshua. We are gonna have a blast and a half. Gotta warm up first on the driving range. I don't really know how to play golf, I took lessons back in 1991 or '92. I can't remember. I don't care though. I have a set of clubs and I'm going. If nothing else I'll enjoy the sun on my face, the beer and the most of all the company of fabulous men that I love.

open doors

I applied for an amazing position at my work and GOT IT! What does this mean? I will be moving in the next 8-12 months. I'm not sure as of where yet, but most likely somewhere on the East coast, preferably FL.
I am going to have my very own store, my very own Buckle. The only 2 companies in all of the U.S. that stock is rising/in the positive are the Buckle and Walmart... So I guess you could say, I'm pretty damn lucky!
My training officially starts April 1 and I must be around for all the seasons. Spring, Back to School, Holiday and Inventory. I am SO excited.
I figure why not? I'm 29 years old. Never lived anywhere but SL,UT. I'm still single and have no potentials here to stay for. Can finish school anywhere in the U.S. and if all else fails (and it won't) I can always move back here if it doesn't work out... (But It Will)

I have my first race April 18, second race in May, my first REAL race, the Ragnar on June 19-20, the Provo Half in Aug and last, but not least, the XTreme Duathlon on September 25!!
I am SO excited!!

So, no... I may not have EVERYTHING I want at this point, but ya know what?!?!? I've got a lot of other fantastic things going for me. And I like to focus on that:)

I got it!!

I got the position at my work!! What does this mean?.... Well pretty much it means AWESOMENESS!!
I will be making a grip-load of $$$, and best of all be moving out of state within the year, basically right after inventory of next year, so like February. I've never done anything SO daring before in my life. It feels so amazing. I am so nervous and excited....
I just figure why not? It's not like I'm really tied down to anything here right now.
I'm not married.
I can take classes from any community college in any state I want at any time.
I don't have any kids.
I have nothing holding me back...
Sure I'll miss my Mom a SHIT TON, but she can come visit me and vice vs. So I'm not THAT worried about it. More than anything I think it'll do me a world of good.
I'm going to be 30 next year. It's time to get with the program. I'm sick of working dead-end jobs, that I hate. I know that one day I'll own my own boutique, just not now. And yes, I will finish my bachelors degree, but it's gonna have be put on hold for a blink.
This is a GOOD move for my future. It's stable, smart and in my best interest to take.

I know I'm doing the right thing:)

As far as other things in my life are concerned, I'm just straight up confused.
A little sad, another one is gonna be biting the dust. Geesh....
Oh well, what can I do? I just have bad taste in men I suppose. But on a side note, at least I have fun while the fun is there to be had:)

epiphany

I consider myself I fairly logical person. True I am often initially driven by my emotions, but when given a chance to breath and think, I can typically turn off the emotions and move forward, make the correct decision and not second guess myself.
This is all true except when alcohol is involved.
I didn't drink for a month and a half. Not one drop. NOTHING, NADA! and I NEVER felt better. I lost a shit ton of weight, got back to the gym 5 days a week and reconnected with TRUE relationships that have meaning and substance.
Well, I fell off that wagon a bit. I started drinking once a week. I instantly felt and saw the results of this awful decision.
I was no longer as impeccable to my word. I started letting myself down and made poor decisions. My soul was YELLING at me, but I wouldn't listen. That was until this week.
I had the MOST amazing birthday a girl could ask for.
I got a B+ on my mid-term, hit the gym with my best friend Stacey (90 min fat burn, abs and core) went and got my brows and box waxed, had a 2 hr massage and then met my closest friends for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, Mazza.
Then I met up with Ardy at my house and all my BEST friends and I went to Park City. Doesn't get any better than this, right? But then the booze ensued and you can only imagine what may have happened after that.
NO one had their feelings hurt, thank god, but things were said that shouldn't have been. Actions were made that probably shouldn't have been, and as a result I felt SICK inside all the next day.
My soul was YELLING at me again. And I had a break down.
I went to my Mom's to spend time with her and it was a mess. So many interruptions, and that resulted in me losing my shit.
I couldn't stop crying. I was sick. Sick inside and out and I couldn't calm down. I haven't felt that out of control in months, maybe even a year. I was NOT myself.

I made a pact right then and there. NO more of this shit. NO more.
It's one thing to have a glass of wine with dinner, it's another to have a bottle (to yourself). And the result it terrible. It's not worth it.
I forgive myself for what happened. What was said. I have to, there's no turning back. No 'do-overs'.

so moving forward, I have a few promises I've made to myself that I will NOT break.
1. Be impeccable to my word.
2. Buying my bike next week, even if it means getting a loan from the bank.
3. Registering for all 3 races with my next paycheck.
4. No more booze.
5. continuation with my health. 5 days/week at gym.
6. Thinking positive thoughts. loving myself more. appreciating the little things more.
7. taking at least 2 vacations this year. One to Boston with my family, the other somewhere warm with Amie.
8. MT program at work, moving out of state in 14 months.
9. finish my degree in both marketing and fashion.
10. Stay true to myself, listen to my soul before it starts YELLING again, and be respectful to myself, my mind, body and soul at all times.

I know the heart of life is good. I know its good.

its my day

I am SO excited for today. This is the first day of the last year I get to say 'twenty-something-. I have my entire day planned out and can't wait.
School at 9. It's my mid-term test today and I feel pretty damn good about it.
Gym @ 11 with Stace. Gonna run 2.5-3 miles today and do some other cardio, core and abs.
1:15 wax. 2:30 Breath Day Spa appt that includes an hour Swedish massage and a Desert Heat Wrap. (my favs)
Dinner with my closest friends at one my favorite restaurants in all of SLC.
Bacchus with my man friend and my 2 bestest friends in the whole wide world after that:)

And tomorrow:
Man friend and I will be going to art exhibits, shopping, foodies, movies and the fabric store.
I pretty much have the BEST life EVER right now.

Ahhh. Serenity. Peace and Clarity. Feels just about right.

too full

I woke up this a.m. to find I gained 2 lbs over night. UG. I hate that. I knew it was going to happen when I put that icecream in my face followed by extra chocolate. NO MORE!!
I didn't go through hell and re-vamp my body to just turn around and get fat again. To hell with that.
*be impeccable to your word. Don't make promises you can't keep, not even to yourself. Well, here's a promise I will NEVER break! I will NEVER get fat again. I will NOT allow myself to weigh more than 127. Never again in my life!!
---- solution: Last consumption must be 4 hrs or more before bed. NO EXCEPTION.
One treat a day maximum. That is IT! NO more. And more than anything, NO MORE ICE CREAM. that shit is deadly.
Continue working out a minimum of 5 days a week.
More water, more tea.

In other news, I have to stay strong and do what I was doing. There for a second I felt like I was playing my cards wrong, but as I've thought more about it, I think I was doing it just right. We all want what we can't have, and well, I want to be chased. So, I will be!

I have decided to apply for the MT program at my work. I want to move out of state in the next year and I want to have my own store, this is the best opportunity I have to accomplish both. Then I can open my own boutique when I'm 35, when I'm older and have more true on-hands experience. And in the mean time, I can and will focus more on my label and my own designs.
SO exciting. I really am blessed. I love my life.
I am focused. passionate. driven. I am successful and will continue to succeed.

it's true

for a second there I thought he had made a break through, but as it appears, it was short winded. I don't even feel badly for him this time. It's bullshit. The drinking is out of control and totally unnecessary. He does it to himself, misery... ug. I'm just grateful I don't have to deal with him or that demon on a daily basis. (totally unfair to her though) and I wonder why I'm so afraid of commitment. haha.
Fact is this, the Four Agreements make sense to me and the more I listen to them the more I practice them and the better I feel. Inside. my Soul.
Empowering women isn't half bad either.
At the end of the day, the only one who truly matters is yourself. What you think and feel and believe about yourself is the MOST important reality. You choose your life and everything in it. The people you spend your time with, the goals you achieve, the choice to walk away, to go somewhere to do ANYTHING.
I choose to do what makes me happy. I choose to do things that help me to love myself more. I am impeccable to my word.
With or without his support, doesn't really matter. I could wallow in self-pity and do what my brother does, but I refuse. I am not even use that negative energy to spite him and prove him wrong. Instead I'm going to just LET it ALL go. NOT take it PERSONALLY. and MOVE ON.
Sorry Ray, shame on you the first time, shame on me the second, and well.... 100 times later, no more shame.